I had a powerful conversation with Nicole Pecoraro. Nicole’s platform is called Mom Transparenting, where she educates and shares her own personal story of being mother of a transgender child.
Nicole was so gracious with me. I’ve never had a personal conversation with someone from the transgender community. I always want to know the right thing to say and be eloquent, but I had to be honest with Nicole and say ‘I don’t know how to talk about this. Can you help me?’
We talk about her process as a mom when her daughter came to her and said ‘I think God put me in the wrong body. I feel like a boy.’ We talk about well meaning people who thought they had all the answers, but were really hurting Nicole and her son. We talk about how we can support the moms of transgender community and teach our kids to love EVERYONE; whether they’re transgender, differently, abled, look, act, or believe differently from our kids.
Friends, I know this can be a tender subject for many of you. It was hard for me. But I think we judge because we’re scared. I think we avoid these kinds of conversations because we’re afraid of what we don’t know. I think there would be a whole lot less ‘fighting in the comments’ if we would just seek to understand.
What I hope you get out of this episode is that we are all the same, in so many ways. We’re all humans. Moms, whether they’re moms of transgender kids, stereotypical suburban kids, gay kids, straight kids, or kids with purple hair, are all just trying to do what’s best for our babies. We’re all just trying to protect the ones we love the most.
Please listen with an open mind and an open heart, to hear what Nicole has to say. I learned so much in this conversation, and I think no matter where we’re at in motherhood, we could all take a note from Nicole’s book.
Nicole’s Story
Nicole is the creator of the Mom Trans-Parenting blog. Late one night after a long day, her 4 year old son (who was born a girl) came to her and told her he thought something was wrong, and that he had a secret. He said, “Mom, I think I’m a girl AND a boy.” At first Nicole laughed it off, but then she noticed that it looked like son was trying to feel her out. As she started to listen more, he told her, “I FEEL like a boy.”
After talking for a good hour, they talked about the boy names he wanted, and how he felt like God put him in the wrong body, because he didn’t feel like a girl in his heart. Nicole let her son know that it was okay, they could talk more, and there are other people in the world that feel this way.
Nicole remembers feeling totally lost and dumbfounded, not knowing what to do. She posted in a large mom’s group on Facebook, asking if any other moms had kids who had questioned their gender identity. The information was all over the place, but thankfully Nicole received a lot of support and positive feedback from the mom’s group. This started the ball rolling on her trans parenting journey, and everything went really fast.
Once Nicole’s transgender child figured out that his mom wasn’t going to fight him on it, he instantly wanted big changes.
Nicole didn’t really see this coming. She just always thought that her son wanted to dress like a boy because he had an older brother. She remembers going to a consignment clothing sale and her (then daughter) picking out all boy clothes, right down to the underwear. Looking back, she saw that her (then daughter) always chose the boy options at school, and when drawing a self portrait, (she) drew (herself) like all the boys. This all started, very subtly, at the age of three.
When I asked what the process looked like for Nicole as a mother, she said at first she was super scared because she never wanted to do anything to damage her kid. What’s the right path? How do we move forward without hurting her child? She didn’t want to find out later that it was a phase. At the end of the day, she says that supporting her son is what’s most important. She wants her son to understand that she loves him, supports him, and that they will do what they need to do as a family to make sure he feels comfortable.
Nicole also brings to our attention the statistics of suicide in transgender people. The odds of a transgender person committing suicide are fifty percent. To put directly, she decided she’d rather have a trans kid than a dead kid. She spoke with medical professionals and experts in this field, and they all gave the same advice: follow his lead and do what makes him feel loved and comfortable.
The Transition
Nicole’s son transitioned quickly. He cut his hair at the end of the school year, and asked his friends and teachers to call him by his new name. He even told his friends, “You can call me this new name. My mom says it’s okay.”
At first Nicole’s son was very proud of his new status and wanted everyone to know. Over time there have been family members who have said and done things that have made him feel like it has to be a secret because when people find out they’re going to look or think about him differently. He knows his mom writes and talks about it, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. When it comes to people who need to know, most of the community already does know, from growing up with Nicole’s kids in school. There are many kids who know, but they don’t tell everyone right away unless the situation warrants it, like school teachers and pool party playdates.
How did people react?
Most family and close friends are very supportive of how Nicole has handled this. There are family members who give pushback and maybe even disapprove. In some ways, people think they have all the answers. In Nicole’s extended family, they always want to tell you what’s on their mind and seem to think they have it all figured out. They haven’t studied or tried to understand transgender children on a deeper level. Nicole feels like they aren’t giving her son enough credit to know what he could understand about himself, and not giving her enough credit as a parent to make decisions on behalf of her son and what’s in his best interest.
Nicole has been told that it’s a phase, that her son wants attention, that he’s manipulative and that he’s playing her. Her argument is that a phase passes quickly, and that this decision her child has made has been going on for a year and a half, and he’s persistent in how he feels. He even had Nicole take down all of the old family photos from when he was a girl.
One of the things I most wanted to know from this interview was, when we want to ask questions of a transgender person, what are the right things to ask, and what should we avoid?
Nicole is very candid with this. She encourages us to ask the parents first if it’s a transgender child, and she hones in on the point that we should be honest with our questions. It’s okay to ask, just never assume. Don’t assume pronouns. For a trans person who’s trying to be seen as the person they feel like on the inside, it’s important for their mental health that they be asked, “What pronouns do you prefer?”
Tune in to hear more from Nicole about body parts, her thoughts on puberty blockers, and the question her son doesn’t want anyone at all to ask.
Using pronouns as weapons
Sometimes family members have used pronouns as weapons unintentionally she thinks (like, calling her son “she” on purpose), based on their beliefs, what they’re used to calling him, or with the belief that this is just a phase. Nicole has set some boundaries here, and has expressed to her immediate and extended family that if her son wants to be called “he,” then that’s what they’re going to do. It took her other two kids some time to get used to all of this, but now they are defending their brother publicly and pointing out people who may not be safe for their transgender brother.
When have you felt the most supported and loved by someone outside of the transgender community?
Their elementary school has been the most supportive. The principal had Nicole fill out an entire packet of information, and made agreements and arrangements for all the possibilities of what could happen. She has worked with the school system to help with a name change so that Nicole’s son would be called by his preferred name, even though it isn’t his legal name. Things that other parents of transgender kids would have to advocate for, this principal has taken care of.
Nicole’s advice to parents
- Start early, teaching our kids language that doesn’t jump to a discriminatory place.
- Give them the opportunity to ask questions. If your child sees someone in a wheelchair, don’t assume they’re “weird.” Ask them about it.
- Don’t ever stare.
- As a parent, have an understanding of what puts other people at risk, like the suicide rate of transgender kids. Then make sure you go out of your way to be kind to them.
- Give all kids the same opportunity to get support.
At the end of the day, we’re all the same in so many ways, and we all want to see our kids do better than us.
The last 10 minutes of my conversation with Nicole were the most powerful for me. She really opens up about how afraid and nervous people get around this subject, and that it’s okay to be open, honest, talk about it, and most of all, to make mistakes. Her grace is overwhelming. Please tune in to hear it.
Nicole encourages and inspires me to work beyond fear. Face the unknown. You can only get so far with fear. At the end of the day, this is about doing the hard things, facing what you’re uncomfortable with, and having an honest conversation with someone who looks or believes differently from you. Don’t avoid your neighbor.