Archives for November 2019

Okay, it’s no secret that I’m an AVID Christmas lover. I count down to the big day, practically all year long. I start planning my outdoor lights which synchronize to music, starting in September.  If you ask any of my friends to tell you three things about me, I can guarantee that at least one of those things will be about my love of Christmas.

Give me a group of people singing Silent Night, an over-sized mug of grownup egg nog in my hand, and some twinkle lights, and I’m in my happy place. I love it.

But when I say “holiday season,” what pops into your brain? When you hear the word “Christmas,” what do you think of? Does your mind wander to egg nog, the smell of cookies baking in your mom’s kitchen, the joy of people coming together and the magic you see on your kids’ faces? Would you be surprised if I said, “me neither?”

As much as I love Christmas and the thought of the season, it really is the most stressful time of year, even for me.  I’m not immune to the feeling of near-hyperventilation when it’s December 20th and I still have that ONE LAST thing to get, or when I have to get ANOTHER “white elephant gift” for a party that I don’t even want to go to #introvert. 

When the thick of the season hits, even I get that little lump of anxiety in the back of my throat, and I become so stressed that my family wants to be anything BUT together with me.Maybe you can identify with me when I say that every year I make to-do lists with awesome intentions and vow that the holiday season will NOT get the best of me, yet the list grows every day and suddenly I’m drowning in garland, wrapping paper, and that annoying piece of invisible tape that gets stuck to our chipped nails, because, who has time to get a manicure around the holidays?

I get it. The holidays are exhausting. They’re expensive, impossible to keep up with, and let’s not EVEN get started on the drama the relatives bring, amiright?

But the holidays can be so much more manageable and dare I say, ENJOYABLE, if we’re willing to take a step back and do just a few things.

Today I’m going to share some tips that will help manage  your holiday stress, prioritize a little better, and maybe even inspire you to change the way you look at gift-giving and even wow your great aunt Miriam, who’s just impossible to shop for. 

Buckle up your tinsel and let’s go!

Okay, the first one seems obvious, but it’s so important:

SAVE A LITTLE MONEY

Financial strain is one of the top causes of stress during the Holiday Season.  Saving up a little bit at a time can make a huge difference in your stress level.  Using apps like digit or acorns help save money without even really thinking about it, so you can do all that glorious shopping without having a heart attack when you open January’s credit card statement.

SHOP AHEAD

Okay, related but just as important to talk about when it comes to stress around the holidays, let’s talk about shopping and GIFTS. 

First of all, I want you to make a list of everyone you could possibly need to get a little something for, and put it in a note on your phone so you have it with you at all times. Then, shop early and often. 

I know we don’t all get in the headspace of buying Christmas gifts until Santa rolls down 34th Street in New York on Thanksgiving, but believe me when I say that shopping ahead in small spurts will do wonders for your stress level AND your pocketbook. Try to pick out a few things on Amazon during your toothpaste shopping. Head to the Dollar Store and grab those “White Elephant” gifts you can have on hand when you’re invited to that holiday party at work, at school, or in your MOPs group. I always like to have a “hot chocolate kit” at all times, complete with a mug, some hot chocolate mix, and marshmallows (with a shooter of Bailey’s if it’s that kind of party).  Even the grocery stores are getting smart and supplying gift cards to almost anywhere imaginable, right there close to the impulse aisles. That way when it comes time for party day, I’m not panicking because I forgot to bring a gift. Another thing you can do is grab a few bottles of wine and some bows for teachers, party hosts, or yourself when you just can’t deal. Kidding, not kidding.

Tune in to hear my tip for making sure you have a gift for every gathering!

And if you’re like me and you just get paralyzed by the idea of attaining goddess status by getting the perfect gift for every special person in your life, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret that we just started this year.  Rather than getting THINGS, we’re getting everyone EXPERIENCES. I am so excited about the gifts we got everyone this year, and it was seriously the easiest time I’ve ever had, shopping.  I did it all online, and it was done in about 10 minutes. No lie. Now, I can’t tell you what I got my family, but here are some ideas to help get you started:

A month of a subscription box, like *ahem* Hello Fresh, Stitch Fix, or Dollar Shave Club. I once bought Byron a year’s subscription to a whiskey club, and we both ended up enjoying it.

There are SO many subscription boxes out there, that you’re sure to find one for your loved one, and then they can customize it from there!

How about a weekend away in their nearest big city, or even a staycation? Get them a gift certificate to a hotel and maybe tickets to a show, or a gift card to a fantastic local restaurant.

Put together a ‘week’s worth of lunch dates.’ Buy 7, $10 gift certificates to lunch places around where your loved one lives and even display it in a fun or pretty way.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t need any more STUFF, especially after talking to Christine Teigan in episode #29 when we talked about minimalism and organization. So many of us don’t need one more pair of slippers or sets of dominos.

Think about the most fun you’ve ever had. Did it involve things? Probably not. It likely included experiences that created memories you’ll remember forever. 

This will even work on your kids. When I asked my kids what their favorite Christmas memories are, neither of them said, “Oh, that time I got that one thing…” Surprise your kids with a trip or vacation; even if it’s just a small road trip across your state. Think of all those viral videos of parents surprising their kids with Disney at Christmas. There’s a reason for that. Think outside the box and give an experience this season.

LET’S TALK ABOUT FOOD

I LIVE for holiday food. Turkey, pies, anything involving caramel or cloves, I AM HERE FOR IT. But food and all that preparation can be overwhelming.

First, make sure you go back and listen to episode #44 where the gals from the Didn’t I just Feed You podcast dish about how to balance holiday cooking and serving a crowd.  

A few things that will take a little off your plate this season are…

HAVE GROCERIES DELIVERED

I don’t mind the quick trip for marshmallows, but when it comes to the regular food shopping and the perpetual need for Scotch tape this time of year, there just never seems to be enough time for it all during the month of December.  Enter the grocery delivery service.  Most retail grocery stores either have a delivery service or pick up service (or both) for a very small fee. My local grocery store lets me order online and delivers it to my door for a $10 fee.  In a time of year when we’re constantly entertaining and on the run my time is worth way more than that, and not having to fight the crowds and spend all the extra time and money in the impulse aisles has saved me money AND sanity in December!

MAKE “FREEZER MEALS

“This takes just a little time and effort, but trust me when I say it is SO WORTH IT! There are thousands of freezer-friendly recipes on Pinterest, including these that I’ve found from a few of my friends.  It takes only a little preparation throughout the week and 6 to 8 hours of cooking over one or two days and you can have WEEKS of prepared meals to just pop in the oven or on the stove.  It’s will totally pay off during those busy nights when you’ve gone out shopping or you need something quick for the kids and the babysitter while you’re at that company holiday party.

BUY FROZEN COOKIE DOUGH

Seriously. Listen to last week’s episode and take some pressure off yourself when it comes to all the homemade stuff.

BE INTENTIONAL WITH THOSE YOU LOVE

I’m gonna go ahead and call it like I see it for a second. I think we spend so much time during the holidays trying to please everyone within sight. I think we keep doing the things we think we ought to be doing, rather than the things that make us – and those we love the most – happy and fulfilled.  So I really encourage you to sit down with the people you REALLY care about, and talk about what you want out of this season. For me, that’s my family and quality time with them.  We actually talked about this holiday season months ago, and decided that we were going to take a trip together with just the 4 of us.

There were several factors that went into this decision like sports schedules and when we thought we could take the most time away, but  in the 15 years that Byron and I have been parents, we’ve never spent a Christmas alone with just our kids. We LOVE holidays with our extended family, absolutely, but this year we talked and thought long and hard about what to do, and ultimately, a family vacation with just us 4 was the best decision. Our families were more than understanding, and we’re fortunate for that, but take a look at the way you’re spending your holiday. Does it make you happy? Are you doing what you think you SHOULD do, in order to try and make everyone happy? It’s so easy to do this time of year, which just makes us more stressed, resentful, regretful, and disappointed.

Really think and talk with your family about what you want most. If it’s to save money so you can buy that house in the new year, do it. If it’s to skip the turkey dinner and go for pizza, DO IT! Shut out the noise on TV and social media, and make a plan that will make you feel content. 

One of my all-time favorite traditions when the kids were little, is we would do an Advent countdown with an activity each day, beginning December 1st.  It would be something as elaborate as going to a scheduled community event like our neighborhood’s light trail, or as simple as a “random act of kindness.” My kids loved hopping in the car and getting Starbucks’ hot chocolate and then paying for the person’s drinks behind us! It’s all about being together and enjoying all the possibilities of the season. You can download my free list of Advent activity ideas here!

And speaking of being intentional, let’s talk about you and the fact that stress, anxiety and depression can definitely get worse during this time of year. I mean, just the triggers alone, right? It’s important now, more than ever, to take care of yourself, even though you feel like you have to take care of everyone else. If you get too inside your head

BREATHE DEEPLY FOR AT LEAST 5 MINUTES, EVERY DAY

This simple exercise has been proven to improve your health, not to mention your overall peace of mind. Do it first thing in the morning, in your car while you’re waiting to pick the kids up from school, hide in the closet if you need to. But sit up straight, close your eyes, and take huge breaths in through your nose and out your mouth for five whole minutes and see the difference it makes.

SURROUND YOURSELF WITH COMMUNITY

Christmas can be a difficult time for some; a reminder of past hurt or pain and seemingly impossible to enjoy.  Maybe the hurt or stress comes from family politics or memories of a difficult loss during the holidays. Maybe you’ve been on the receiving end of someone else’s depression and anxiety trigger during this time of year. It’s so important to give yourself lots of space and surround yourself with community this time and always.

Surround yourself with positive people who will encourage you.  Invite a friend or a neighbor to go to a lights display or Christmas tree shopping with you.  Create new traditions and rituals that help you heal and move forward from past hurt. 

LET GO OF ONE THING

For an idealist, over-achieving, neurotic perfectionist like me (and these traits only amplify in the month of December…pray for my husband you guys), I want to do it all, achieve it all and spread Christmas cheer like one of Santa’s elves on steroids…. At the expense of my well-being and remembering what’s important.

I encourage you to let go of just one thing that you feel like you “have” to do this season.  Maybe it’s making gifts for everyone in the office or decorating the outside of your house.  There is always one thing you can let go of, just this year.

Tune in to the podcast to hear the BIG thing I’m letting go of doing this year!

 And you know, I’ve also put my stake in the ground and I’m going to be saying ‘no’ to more holiday parties. Okay, I’m making it sound like we’re so popular and getting invited to a ton of social events. We’re not. But I imagine you know what I’m talking about what with all the office parties and holiday gatherings for every group you or your children are part of. I’ve committed to two gatherings this season, and I’m going to say ‘no’ to the rest. That’s just my introvert preference.

Maybe you enjoy big groups and parties, and if that’s you, go for it. But putting on a nice dress and red lipstick just to make small talk with strangers is just not my cup of egg nog, so I’m giving myself some more space and staying home more often.

So there you go, my best tips for keeping yourself sane, a little less stressed, and even giving yourself a shot at enjoying the holidays. Even if you just pick one or two of these things, I think you’ll have a better time.Outside pressure will always want you to hustle, bustle, and lose yourself during the craziness of this time of year, but stay grateful, do little bits at a time, and remember the magic.  You’ll never be sorry. Until next time Wannabes…  

You know that dreaded question: “What’s for dinner, Mom?” Meghan and Stacie, of the Didn’t I Just Feed You Podcast, wish they could record everyone’s reaction to the name of their show, because can’t we all relate?

Even as food professionals, Meghan and Stacie both struggle with what to feed their kids. They both bonded over getting frustrated (and admittedly, a little petty)  over food professionals claiming that it’s just so easy to feed kids and a family. A lot of what they try to do with their podcast is to honor and remember that in every suggestion they give and every topic they choose, not everyone has the same passion for preparing and cooking food.

Some of the episodes of their show include topics about meal planning, meal prep, how to bake with your kids, and their own personal struggles about the division of labor between partners, food apathy (when you’re burnt out on cooking) and how to stay inspired, or even how to get through cooking when you hate it! Their goal is to create an inclusive community, and realize that everyone is doing their best. Doesn’t that sound encouraging?

Meal Planning and Meal Prep

Meal planning is when you look ahead and plan out the meals for the week (this can be done on paper, or on your phone)Meal prep is when you take the plan a little further and either prep everything for the week, or just do a few things that will save you time during the week.

We all have different strengths in these areas.  PLAY TO YOUR STRENGTHS!
When it comes to cooking, make it work for you. You have to enjoy what you’re doing; otherwise you’re eventually going to be miserable. Even the pros get burnt out. You can always shift and adjust your strategy and tactics when it comes to meal planning and prep.

FAVORITE TOOLS

Use grocery delivery
Share the work with your partner
Stacie uses a white board magnet from Amazon that she writes meal ideas on for her husband to start putting things together
Share your grocery list or meal plan in a note on your iPhone (a Google doc or calendar works, too!)

SNACKS

Meghan and Stacie have two full episodes about snacks on their podcast!

Here are their favorite snacks for on-the-go:
Popcorn
Hardboiled eggs
Carrots with ranch
Try high protein, tons of flavor options, like pepperoni
Splurge on individually packed snacks, like hummus.
Grilled cheese

There’s also a subscription box called Snack Riot with healthy snacks!

Cooking during the holidays

The first thing you do is let go of your expectations of what everyone is “supposed” to eat during the holidays. Above all, the holidays are about food joy! 

If you need order during the holidays, keep with your plan, but write in “eating out,” and write in the holiday party. 

Try to keep most of your meals normal, and then eat all the cheese and cookies at the holiday parties on the weekends.

Feeding a crowd over the holidays

Stacie and Meghan have a whole episode about how to feed a crows.
Concentrate your efforts on 3 – 5 things, and put your energy toward those.  Don’t stress about having a dozen different appetizers!
Master the mix of home made and store bought.  Combine your show-stoppers with something store bought! 

We get vulnerable about food and it gets real. Tune in to hear!

Here are some of Meghan and Stacie’s favorite and most popular episodes:

On feeding yourself first
On the mental load of feeding a family 
Meal planning 
Meal prep

Connect with Meghan and Stacie

On their website
On iTunes
On Instagram
On Facebook

Torrance Hart is the founder of Teak & Twine, a specialty gifting company that makes gifts for people who are into products that are beautifully made, thoughtfully packaged and visually stunning. In addition to her role at Teak & Twine, Torrance is an educator and entrepreneur advocate. Whether mentoring fellow entrepreneurs, testifying before Congress on behalf of military small business owners, or teaching courses for product-based businesses to help them thrive, Torrance is passionate about drawing from her experiences to help others succeed and have fun doing it! A Virginia-native, Torrance is thrilled to once again call Northern Virginia home, where she lives with her husband and two young sons.

I had a powerful conversation with Nicole Pecoraro. Nicole’s platform is called Mom Transparenting, where she educates and shares her own personal story of being mother of a transgender child.

Nicole was so gracious with me. I’ve never had a personal conversation with someone from the transgender community. I always want to know the right thing to say and be eloquent, but I had to be honest with Nicole and say ‘I don’t know how to talk about this. Can you help me?’

We talk about her process as a mom when her daughter came to her and said ‘I think God put me in the wrong body. I feel like a boy.’ We talk about well meaning people who thought they had all the answers, but were really hurting Nicole and her son. We talk about how we can support the moms of transgender community and teach our kids to love EVERYONE; whether they’re transgender, differently, abled, look, act, or believe differently from our kids.

Friends, I know this can be a tender subject for many of you. It was hard for me. But I think we judge because we’re scared. I think we avoid these kinds of conversations because we’re afraid of what we don’t know. I think there would be a whole lot less ‘fighting in the comments’ if we would just seek to understand.

What I hope you get out of this episode is that we are all the same, in so many ways. We’re all humans. Moms, whether they’re moms of transgender kids, stereotypical suburban kids, gay kids, straight kids, or kids with purple hair, are all just trying to do what’s best for our babies. We’re all just trying to protect the ones we love the most.

Please listen with an open mind and an open heart, to hear what Nicole has to say. I learned so much in this conversation, and I think no matter where we’re at in motherhood, we could all take a note from Nicole’s book.

Nicole’s Story

Nicole is the creator of the Mom Trans-Parenting blog. Late one night after a long day, her 4 year old son (who was born a girl) came to her and told her he thought something was wrong, and that he had a secret. He said, “Mom, I think I’m a girl AND a boy.” At first Nicole laughed it off, but then she noticed that it looked like son was trying to feel her out. As she started to listen more, he told her, “I FEEL like a boy.” 

After talking for a good hour, they talked about the boy names he wanted, and how he felt like God put him in the wrong body, because he didn’t feel like a girl in his heart. Nicole let her son know that it was okay, they could talk more, and there are other people in the world that feel this way. 

Nicole remembers feeling totally lost and dumbfounded, not knowing what to do. She posted in a large mom’s group on Facebook, asking if any other moms had kids who had questioned their gender identity. The information was all over the place, but thankfully Nicole received a lot of support and positive feedback from the mom’s group. This started the ball rolling on her trans parenting journey, and everything went really fast.

Once Nicole’s transgender child figured out that his mom wasn’t going to fight him on it, he instantly wanted big changes. 

Nicole didn’t really see this coming. She just always thought that her son wanted to dress like a boy because he had an older brother. She remembers going to a consignment clothing sale and her (then daughter) picking out all boy clothes, right down to the underwear.  Looking back, she saw that her (then daughter) always chose the boy options at school, and when drawing a self portrait, (she) drew (herself) like all the boys. This all started, very subtly, at the age of three.

When I asked what the process looked like for Nicole as a mother, she said at first she was super scared because she never wanted to do anything to damage her kid.  What’s the right path? How do we move forward without hurting her child? She didn’t want to find out later that it was a phase.  At the end of the day, she says that supporting her son is what’s most important.  She wants her son to understand that she loves him, supports him, and that they will do what they need to do as a family to make sure he feels comfortable.

Nicole also brings to our attention the statistics of suicide in transgender people.  The odds of a transgender person committing suicide are fifty percent.  To put directly, she decided she’d rather have a trans kid than a dead kid. She spoke with medical professionals and experts in this field, and they all gave the same advice: follow his lead and do what makes him feel loved and comfortable. 

The Transition

Nicole’s son transitioned quickly. He cut his hair at the end of the school year, and asked his friends and teachers to call him by his new name. He even told his friends, “You can call me this new name. My mom says it’s okay.”

At first Nicole’s son was very proud of his new status and wanted everyone to know.  Over time there have been family members who have said and done things that have made him feel like it has to be a secret because when people find out they’re going to look or think about him differently.  He knows his mom writes and talks about it, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. When it comes to people who need to know, most of the community already does know, from growing up with Nicole’s kids in school. There are many kids who know, but they don’t tell everyone right away unless the situation warrants it, like school teachers and pool party playdates. 

How did people react?

Most family and close friends are very supportive of how Nicole has handled this. There are family members who give pushback and maybe even disapprove. In some ways, people think they have all the answers. In Nicole’s extended family, they always want to tell you what’s on their mind and seem to think they have it all figured out. They haven’t studied or tried to understand transgender children on a deeper level. Nicole feels like they aren’t giving her son enough credit to know what he could understand about himself, and not giving her enough credit as a parent to make decisions on behalf of her son and what’s in his best interest.

Nicole has been told that it’s a phase, that her son wants attention, that he’s manipulative and that he’s playing her. Her argument is that a phase passes quickly, and that this decision her child has made has been going on for a year and a half, and he’s persistent in how he feels. He even had Nicole take down all of the old family photos from when he was a girl. 

One of the things I most wanted to know from this interview was, when we want to ask questions of a transgender person, what are the right things to ask, and what should we avoid? 

Nicole is very candid with this. She encourages us to ask the parents first if it’s a transgender child, and she hones in on the point that we should be honest with our questions. It’s okay to ask, just never assume. Don’t assume pronouns. For a trans person who’s trying to be seen as the person they feel like on the inside, it’s important for their mental health that they be asked, “What pronouns do you prefer?”

Tune in to hear more from Nicole about body parts, her thoughts on puberty blockers, and the question her son doesn’t want anyone at all to ask.

Using pronouns as weapons

Sometimes family members have used pronouns as weapons unintentionally she thinks (like, calling her son “she” on purpose), based on their beliefs, what they’re used to calling him, or with the belief that this is just a phase. Nicole has set some boundaries here, and has expressed to her immediate and extended family that if her son wants to be called “he,” then that’s what they’re going to do.  It took her other two kids some time to get used to all of this, but now they are defending their brother publicly and pointing out people who may not be safe for their transgender brother.

When have you felt the most supported and loved by someone outside of the transgender community?

Their elementary school has been the most supportive. The principal had Nicole fill out an entire packet of information, and made agreements and arrangements for all the possibilities of what could happen. She has worked with the school system to help with a name change so that Nicole’s son would be called by his preferred name, even though it isn’t his legal name. Things that other parents of transgender kids would have to advocate for, this principal has taken care of.

Nicole’s advice to parents

• Start early, teaching our kids language that doesn’t jump to a discriminatory place.
• Give them the opportunity to ask questions. If your child sees someone in a wheelchair, don’t assume they’re “weird.” Ask them about it. 
• Don’t ever stare. 
• As a parent, have an understanding of what puts other people at risk, like the suicide rate of transgender kids. Then make sure you go out of your way to be kind to them.
• Give all kids the same opportunity to get support.

At the end of the day, we’re all the same in so many ways, and we all want to see our kids do better than us.

The last 10 minutes of my conversation with Nicole were the most powerful for me.  She really opens up about how afraid and nervous people get around this subject, and that it’s okay to be open, honest, talk about it, and most of all, to make mistakes. Her grace is overwhelming. Please tune in to hear it.

Nicole encourages and inspires me to work beyond fear. Face the unknown. You can only get so far with fear. At the end of the day, this is about doing the hard things, facing what you’re uncomfortable with, and having an honest conversation with someone who looks or believes differently from you. Don’t avoid your neighbor.